So That’s Why I’m Fat!!

So That’s Why I’m Fat!!

I finally figured it out.  The real reason I weigh So Much.  It’s my perennial allergy to bites from Evil Plants.

I’ve had the itchy, blotchy agony of the sinister Leaves of Three probably a dozen times in my life.  I’ve pretty much learned to recognize it from a thousand feet away.  I like to replicate that last scene in Invasion of the Body Snatchers when I see it, pointing and screaming loudly.

And I’m happy to say that I have found no poison ivy in my new location.  However, Mother Nature being the clever entity that she is, I’m still not safe. Two extremely similar weeds grow here, and one of them is sweet and innocent and simply growing in the wrong place.  The other one is Stinging Nettle and wants to kill you. Or at least make you suffer.

Now, I had Stinging Nettle back in Georgia.  I knew to leave it alone.  But when I got here, the plant that looked the same didn’t have any pricklies. I pulled up about a hundred of them, with no ill effects whatsoever, and then Mother Nature decided to have a little fun.  She let the two plants grow side by side at the edge of my yard.   She even sneaked one into the sweet little round flowerbed under the tree just outside my bedroom window.  Mother Nature is nothing if not clever.

I pulled up exactly ONE.  One.  And it bit me.  Two days later, I woke with a faint pink rash in the fold of my elbows.  Took Benadryl.  Ha! Yeah; that’s gonna work.

Three days later, the elbows are deep red, and the knees are worse. Much worse.  I know what I have to do.

I have to take Prednisone for twelve days.  Again. I’ve been here before; I know the drill.

I don’t really need a doctor here.  I just need a prescription.  But you know how that works. The pharmacist won’t fill it if I write it myself. So I call my doctor.

Great time for her to go on vacation.  Doesn’t she know she should work all the time, just in case I need her?  The receptionist cheerfully explained that the other doctor in the practice had no appoints available. I wanted to say, “So what am I supposed to do, Bitch?  DIE?”  But I restrained myself. She suggested an Urgent Care facility.

I can do that. Like I have a choice here.  So I go to the one near me.

Sure enough, this doctor agrees with my diagnosis.  It’s twelve days of Prednisone. Again.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  Prednisone is a true modern-day wonder drug. It will stop an allergic reaction in its tracks.  In twelve days.  I wonder what people did two hundred years ago when an Evil Plant bit them. I’m sure they were a lot savvier about recognizing them, but I bet people still goofed from time to time.  I suspect they made poultices from other Good Plants and had primitive treatments, but I suspect they also had weeks and weeks of suffering.  We live in a Wondrous Age, don’t we?

But Prednisone also has some of those pesky things we call Side Effects.  This doctor went through the laundry list: Bad Taste, Upset Stomach (oh, thanks; I need that), irritability (not me, surely not; I am Little Miss Sunshine), Tiredness, Poor Sleep, and Weight Gain, which does NOT go away on the thirteenth day, by the way.

And that’s when I realized that Evil Plants are the reason I’m fat.

I’ve done the Prednisone thing probably a dozen times, and I was not exactly emaciated before this started.  I was a cute little 155, which is not at all emaciated when you’re 5’ 3” tall, let me tell you.

So, if you take Prednisone twelve times and gain even three or four pounds each time, you get fat. Can’t be helped. Not your fault.  How could it be?

It was a relief to know, really.  It wasn’t because I eat too much.  Or because I eat cookies instead of fruit.

It wasn’t because I move my body less than I should for maximum health.  Everyone knows Prednisone weight doesn’t respond to the usual weight-loss methods.  Doesn’t everyone know that?  No?  Well, you’re welcome. Now you know.

I may even be a Victim here; how trendy of me. I do like to stay current.

But I am trying to make a few changes this time.  I am being careful to take my Citrucel three times a day, just to fill up space so I maybe won’t nosh as much. So far, I am choosing nutritious food instead of crap (mostly). I do need to get some Tootsie Roll Pops; fifteen minutes spent with a Tootsie Roll Pop gives you far fewer calories than fifteen minutes spent with a bag of cookies.

I am not skipping my apple cider vinegar, which does help the upset stomach/acid reflux thingy.

I haven’t figured out the Poor Sleep and Tiredness problems; I’m Pretty Wired, but the upside is that because I’m wired, I’m moving a lot and Getting Stuff Done.  And really; it’s only twelve days, which seems a lot shorter than it used to.

As for irritability, that hasn’t been a problem at all.  Not me; surely not. I am Little Miss Sunshine.

Just ask the people I live with…


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *